Confusion untamed

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I’m confused.
I’m flabbergasted.
I’m, well…I’m puzzled, perplexed, mystified, befuddled, bewildered, and baffled.

I just don’t understand what is happening on the air waves today (or now that so much is digital, I probably should say cable waves). First there was the normalizing of language that makes me blush. This language has never found a place in my mouth, yet I cannot stop it from bombarding my ears. And now…

Last night I heard the following sentence: “I need to make sure the bookcases are functionalability.” ‘Functionalability’? Why the ‘ability’? Why not good old ‘functional’?

I had heard this same man use ‘functionalability’ several times before, but each time I assumed I had heard wrong. Unfortunately, I had not.

What is happening? Is it bad education, bad memory, or, or, or…

We’re being attacked, I just know it! What better way to weaken a country than to break down communication. And what better way to break down communication than to create multiple subgroups with totally different vocabularies.

I can see it now. Within a few years, popular music afficionados will hold long conversations with each other that sound a little like: “Have you seen bleep bleep bleep bleep? Bleep ate all the Cheerios bleep bleep bleep. I need to go to the bleep store and bleep bleep bleep buy groceries.” (excuse the bleeps, I don’t say those kinds of words)

While those who take a more homey approach will say to each other: “I flipped it with functionalability and styleousness, so my houseability reached mountaineous proportions. I think it’s because of the vertacalability of my clothes.”

I cringe at the next step taken by the perpetrators of this dastardly deed. What will they do? What is in store for our national vocabulary, which is being disintegrated one misused word at a time.

We must save ourselves! Rise up citizens, protect your mouths and your minds!
Read a dictionary!

What do you think?