Perceptions and Illusions

Those jokey Jupiterians are hard at work again, unfortunately.

There is some kind of proportion formula working between me and the Jupiterians. The more important a project is to me, the more likely the Jupiterians will exert themselves to play practical jokes. And right now my project is right up there with...with...well, it is so important I don't know what to compare it to.

I am working on the cover for the Department of Temporal Adjustment, and I am well aware that people do judge books by their covers. So I have to get it right. The cover must be superb and perfect. It must exude humor and excitement, without being funny or amateurish.

And while I am working hard to create the perfect book cover for the DTA--and it must be perfect since its job is to entice readers to first pick up and then read the book--the Jupiterians are throwing every possible distraction at me imaginable. Packages, all of a sudden, require signatures. The dog barks, and when I look, no one is around. My computer dies suddenly due to lack of power, even though I had plugged it in a few minutes previously.

But Jupiterians, I will prevail. Give me your worst.

Or, on second thought, you don't really have to. You've distracted me quite enough. I get the point, you are funny, funny, little Jupiterians.

What's that you say? You want me to put one of you, a Jupiterian, on the front cover? But the book is not about...

Oh, I see. You would be satisfied with life size image, one no humans would even notice.

I'll tell you what, Jupiterians. You leave me alone long enough to get this cover done, and I will seriously think about it.

Great! It's a deal!

They sound so cute when they giggle like that--at least they do as long as they aren't giggling because of some joke they played on me.

I wonder if they realize they are invisible to humans?

Labels: book cover, DTA, frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality, publishing

The oddest thing happened to me this morning. I got my cup of coffee, started my computer, and sat down to write.

Only, when I reread what I wrote the day before, I was horrified. WHAT HAD I BEEN THINKING! It was horrible, the worst I have ever written.

I know that because of NaNoWrimo I am rushing through, but it was almost as if I hadn't even written it myself. It did not sound like me.

Is that whispering I hear? Jupiterians, is that you?

Hello Jupiterians! I haven't seen you for a while, I thought you might be gone for good. I'm happy to see you back.

What do you mean, maybe I won't be so happy?

Why are you so upset? What do you need to tell me?

Oh.

Well, I can't say I am happy that you deleted everything I had written and rewrote it for me. I appreciate the sentiment, but I would rather you let me do my own writing.

I don't care if you think what you wrote is better. I have a right to do my own work.

Yes, that is how I want it!

Well, fine to you too.

Don't cry, Jupiterians. I don't hate you. I can fix it.

Yes, I promise I can. I always save a copy outside of my computer every day I write. I can retrieve that one and start exactly where I left off yesterday.

Ah, the sound of giggles. Everything is back the way it should be.

Labels: frivolity, Jupiterians, myth or reality, writing

I've been vlapped! No once, but twice.

It happened this weekend. We had a family birthday party, and one of the guests, a 3 month old baby, was giving his parents a hard time. I could tell the parents were upset and tense (they are new parents and haven't had him out after his bedtime before), so I offered to walk him a bit to calm him. I wanted to give the new parents an opportunity to enjoy the party and regain their cool.

I knew I could help, since I'd had plenty of practice with my own 4 children, nieces, nephews, neighbors, etc. I'm a pro at keeping the tension out of my body, which is key for calming irrate babies. A baby always knows if the person holding him is stressed.

Vlap! The father of the child told me that I would not be capable of helping. (Even though I've successfully managed to soothe multiple babies, multiple times.)

Okay, I thought. I'll just back off. I'm sure this man who has been a father for all of three months knows loads more than I do about handling babies. I only have a mere 23 + years of experience.

The party continued, and the parents were unable to participate. After about an hour the baby was calm, but not asleep. I asked the mother if she wanted me to hold the little tike so she could socialize for a bit.

Vlap! The mother of the child told me I would not be capable of helping.

So there you have it, two vlaps in one party.

What? You have never heard the term 'vlap' before? It is a term I picked up from the Jupitarians--it means virtual slap. It is used all the time on Jupiter.

I like the term.

And in case you are wondering, a vlap hurts like the dickens--just like a slap.

Ouch!

Labels: family, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality, world

Success! (Or at least, half success!)

This morning I reached the halfway mark. I am now officially halfway finished with the last rewrites I need to do of the DTA. I was beginning to feel I'd never get here.

So much for finishing them all before the end of summer.

I don't understand what has slowed me down so much, but every time I start work the phone rings, or the dog barks, or my computer won't work, or something else happens to keep me from progressing like I should.

Giggles? Do I hear giggles? Jupiterians, are you here?

What do you mean, you hope I liked your jokes? What jokes?

You were the ones who called me on the phone and hung up as soon as I answered? You made the dog bark? You made my computer suddenly shut down? Why?

I see. They were great jokes. I can tell you really have enjoyed the pranks you've pulled.

What is that? They weren't just pranks, they were for my own good? How so?

Well I appreciate your concern, but I really don't see how getting the manuscript finished sooner rather than later will hurt anything.

You want to make sure I don't publish until next year? Well there is no fear of that now. But why will 2010 be a better year than 2009?

You say it is because of 20 divided by 10. And what exactly does 20 divided by 10 mean to you?

Yes, well, it is 2 for me too.

Laugh away, Jupiterians. Laugh away.

It must be a cultural thing.

Labels: DTA, frivolity, Jupiterians, myth or reality, publishing, writing

It's odd. I am in the point of my book that I hate--when I have to check that everything flows and that I use the right tenses consistently throughout. It can only be termed as grunt work, because it's hard, it's time-consuming, and it does not require very much creativity.

Yet this morning, I had fun. I really enjoyed the hours I spent revising the DTA.

It makes me wonder...am I doing something wrong?

Oh no! What if the Jupiterians are playing some sort of cruel joke on me that I have not yet discovered? Will I find all my hard work erased tomorrow? Will my computer crash? Will the sun continue to shine so that I cannot remain indoors? (Okay, the Jupiterians really have nothing to do with the weather.)

I might as well stop worrying about it. Time will tell.

And the sun is calling!

Labels: DTA, Jupiterians, myth or reality, writing

Sigh.

Pepper is outside barking again. Every morning, every night, and several times during the day she runs outside and begins to bark and howl and make all kinds of noise.

I'm trying to be patient with her, but I cannot figure out what she is barking at! There are no cats slinking across her territory, no kamakazee birds swooping down to steal her food, no militant squirrels marching across the fence to their acorn stash, nothing. I can find absolutely nothing that could make her bark like this unless....

Sigh.

Now that I'm listening for it, I can hear it. Chuckles, giggles, and guffaws. It's the Jupiterians, up to their old tricks. Again.

I wonder if it would be possible to train a dog to ignore something that I cannot even see?

Sigh.

Labels: frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality

Wow! That about sums up my first visit to Olympia, and the Timberland Olympia Library.

How can there be so many nice people all in one spot? At the hotel, in the restaurants, in the library...I didn't see a sour one in the bunch.

Do they drink different water there than we do here in Seattle? Not that Seattle people are cranky--but if you talk to more than 20 of us you are sure to find a few sour grapes.

Here is the publicized list of the authors (my name excluded since you already know me), there's not a bad one in the bunch! Note: I am of course speaking of their personalities--I haven't yet had time to read all their books. I've italicized (and in most cases linked) to the authors whose books I bought. Wouldn't it be great if I had enough money to buy from all the authors?

Peter Bacho, Gayla Balter, Hal Burton, Rod Davis, Llyn De Danaan, Lavada Dee, Todd Denny, Ulla Giesecke, Burt Guttman, Allison Imel Hamza, Jerry L. Kelley, Richard Kelley, Anthea Lawson, Wilfried Lippmann, Elizabeth Lonseth, Nikki McClure, Joe McDonald, Joe McHugh, Tony McKennon, John Perkins, Jan Pierson, Kathleen Powers, Mary Ellen Psaltis, Bill Ransom, Jon S. Robbins, Govinda Rosling, Gilbert Rossing, Joli Sandoz & Joby Winans, Douglas Schuler, Theresa Scott, Kathleen Shaputis, J.R. Stoddard, Gayle Ivory Strom, Ann Wendell, Kyung Soon Yun (I got this list from two different sources, so hopefully I didn't leave anyone out.)

I can honestly say that the first annual Timberland Olympia Book Fair was a wonderful experience for me. Even if I didn't sell....

Is that snickering I hear?

Jupiterians. I should have known I'd hear from you soon. What have you done now?

What!

Please tell me you didn't!

Sigh. One day, the Jupiterians will return home and my life will get easier. It's little wonder that people just smiled at me and moved on.

Those Jupiterians really pulled a good one on me this time. I never even thought to double check the prices on my sign.

What did all those nice people in Olympia think, when they read my posted price and discovered that I believed my books should cost $1500 apiece?

Sigh. They must have thought I was one piece short of a whole pie.

Sigh.

Labels: Behold the Eye, Braumaru, Cerulea, Jupiterians, travel, Viridia

I applaud your self-restraint! Not only did you stay away from my daughter's wedding--allowing it to be beautiful, wonderful, and event-free--but the absence of your pranks for an entire week was a wonderful respite. Just what I needed. I never knew you could be so kind.

What is that you say? You didn't know anything about the wedding? How can that be, when we've been preparing for it for months!

You've been gone on vacation for how long? Yes, I understand that it does take quite a while to travel back to your home world. And you being gone that long does explain you not realizing something special was going on.

But wait a minute, just last week someone moved my keys three times, the dog was acting crazy for no reason, and I tripped for no apparent reason.

Why are you snickering? What is so funny?

I am not forgetful, of course I realize the dog is still a puppy, and I do not have big feet!

Okay, I'll give you that. My feet are gigantic compared to your feet. Your feet are so tiny I can't even see them. But please, give me a break. Wouldn't I look funny trying to walk around in your shoes?

Labels: family, frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality

I can't believe it! I simply can't believe it! If I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes...well, even seeing it I have a hard time believing.

I'm sure you wonder what I'm talking about, so I'll tell you. My dog has learned how to cook!

Don't believe me? Frankly, I don't blame you. I barely believe myself. But I've got proof, right here, right in front of me. An entire meal, hot and ready to eat, prepared while no one but Pepper was at home! (I've already called all my family and checked--no one has even attempted to take the credit.)

Even while in shock I can figure out what happened. I am guilty of underestimating Pepper's intelligence. Whether good or bad, and we have a genius dog.

It's funny. I had noticed the intense stares I received each time I entered the kitchen to prepare a meal. I simply thought that Pepper was just exhibiting the nosiness normal for Schnoodles. And, of course, that eternal hope that a little food would fall to the floor.

Little did I know that Pepper was watching me so that she could learn to cook. Amazing! I so misjudged her intense gaze.

But honestly, can you blame me? Has anyone else heard of a dog that could cook?

Hey, what is that noise? It sounds...I think it sounds...yes, it sounds just like the Jupiterians trying not to laugh too loud. Like when they play one of their jokes on someone and....

Wait a minute! Does that mean this was another of their jokes? Pepper hasn't learned to cook?

Sometimes life with the Jupiterians is a little too, well, unusual!

Labels: family, frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality

No worries.

No, no, no, I'm not being insensitive or uncaring! This is all planned.

You are shocked I would be a part of this dastardly deed? What are you...oh...I understand now. You are confused about the fireworks. Maybe I should explain a little.

The Space Needle is not under attack. Every year, when a new year begins, people want to make a lot of noise and celebrate the new beginning. Kind of have the old year go out and the new year come in with a bang. To to this we....

No! We do not "sacrifice a building to the great one". You've got it all wrong, we are not blowing up the Space Needle, we're just making noise!

Well, I guess we just want to make a big show, you know, just because we can.

What? No! I do not want you to help out with the fireworks! That would be scary. I think the people in charge are doing a bang up job by themselves.

Yes, I know that you could easily bring down the building, but that's not the point. We want the building to remain unharmed, all the buildings.

Yes, I know you think we are missing out in the fun. But trust me, it is better that you let us celebrate our own way, even if you don't understand. We Earthlings are rather odd that way.

Well, why don't you just yell "Happy New Year"!

And a Happy New Year to you.

Labels: frivolity, Jupiterians, myth or reality, world

I am thankful for the many blessings I enjoy, and the most important blessing to me is my family.

Therefore, I am thankful for that first awkward, but strangely magical, blind date with my husband almost 25 years ago. Everything that could have gone wrong did. Which makes it important to remember that an uneventful date is a forgetable date.

Aren't I lucky that that first date was very like our marriage has been? Unforgetable, eventful, and full of surprises...surprises that my husband and I have learned we can always handle, as long as we handle them together.

I am thankful for my four wonderful daughters, who have all grown into beautiful, witty, intelligent, strong young women. I radiated pride yesterday at the family dinner when aunts, uncles, a grandmother, and cousins were able to partake of the numerous dishes my children had cooked, packed up, and transported to the get-together. To know that my children have grown to be so giving, so hard-working...it does make a mother's heart glow with joy.

I am also thankful for...what? You want me to let everyone know what you are thankful for? Why certainly, I'll read your prepared speech for you, though I am a little surprised. I didn't know Jupiterians celebrated Thanksgiving Day.

Let's see...it says, "We like to thank our fellow Jupiterians who have always given us support. We would like to show our gratitude to the Foundation, without whom we would not be here today. We would also like to thank the Saturnians for clearing a path through their moons so that we could make the great strides we have in space exploration. Without their help, it may have taken an extra millenium..."

Wait a minute, this speech isn't about Thanksgiving!

Yes, I know you are giving thanks, but it is not the same. Thanksgiving is about giving thanks for blessings, not giving thanks to people. Okay, okay, so officially they aren't "people". Still, I don't think you get it!

What? You are positive you know all about it because you watched it on TV? You saw a show about Thanksgiving on TV?

Oh, I see. You saw the Academy Awards.

I think I'll just let it go. Some things are just too hard to explain!

Maybe I should find a way to limit their TV time!

Labels: family, frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality, world

Jupiterians,

Word has been sent from your homeland that you are desperately needed there. You must drop any and all projects you have here, and zip back to your planet before it is too late. Quickly. Right away.

What is that? You think your project to slow down Viridia is too important for you to put aside?

But you must obey the call of your fellow Jupiterians. You cannot let them handle this crisis alone. They need your help. Now. Right now. This minute.

What is the crisis? Well...I think is is best that you get the details directly from those that are living the tragedy in your homeland. So you must hurry back.

Why did I get the message instead of you? Ummmm...well...there is a very good reason they sent the messge to me instead of you. They...they...they tried you reach you, but you didn't answer. They couldn't wait so they gave me the message to pass along to you.

The message? You must return at once before all the trees on your planet are destroyed. Your help is immediately and urgently needed.

Why are you looking at each other like that? This is serious! All the trees on your planet have developed a rare and deadly form of the Dutch Elm disease, and you must take a few of our trees back immediately so that you can start to replenish your forests right away.

Why are you laughing so hard?

Your planet doesn't have trees? It is made of gas?

I knew I should have paid closer attention in Astronomy!

Labels: Behold the Eye, frivolity, Jupiterians, life, myth or reality, Viridia, world

Okay, you Jupiterians. I know you're out there. Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

What do you mean, you are tiny compared to humans? Did I ever say you were bigger than humans? Or even than my dog, Pepper? Do you think that your small size makes it okay to not play fair?

Besides, where did you get the idea that "pick on someone your own size" only applies if the tormentor is bigger than the victim. Germs are tiny, and most humans would prefer if germs picked on someone their own size, like maybe other germs.

What? Of course I know it was you! Don't be silly.

Prove it? No, I can't prove it, but I know your style. You like to be sneaky.

Why do I believe you are the culprit? Come on! Why else would Pepper come running and screaming through the door like she did. I looked outside, and there was nothing out there that could have scared her, and she didn't have a scratch on her.

Ah ha! So you admit it, do you? That's good. That's a start.

But let's get this straight. If you want to slow down my writing, pick on me. Leave my dog alone!

Labels: family, frivolity, Jupiterians, myth or reality, writing