Rewrites – the beginning

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I just rewrote the beginning of Fair Game this morning. It had been bugging me, so I decided to spend a little time on it this morning. It is probably not yet in its finished form, but I feel it is improved!

I hope everyone else thinks to too!

Old:Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.
“Now what?” I grumbled. “I don’t have time for this.”
The chirp caught me just as I was about to take a deep breath—it took a lot of oxygen to make the big climb—and caused me to snort instead. Which was a real shame, because snorting was not very lady-like, and first impressions counted for a lot. I certainly did not want to become known as the girl who snorts.
Besides, I had spent an entire week preparing myself for this moment, this climb.

I was just about to take a deep breath—it took a lot of oxygen to make the big climb—when the tweet of my phone startled a snort out of me.

“Darn it,” I grumbled as I realized that everyone around me probably heard that snort.

I knew how things got started. It took very little to get a reputation as “the person who____”, where all you have to do is fill in the blank with something embarrassing. I was probably going to be known forever more as the girl who snorts, or even worse, they might give me a new nickname like Snorter Girl, or even Miss Piggy.

All because my stupid phone chose the wrong moment to tweet at me. Just one little tweet that I am sure no one but me heard, but I bet everyone heard that loud, obnoxious snort!

I guess I should not blame my phone—it was only doing its job. And to be perfectly honest I guess I should not say it tweeted—it would be more accurate if I said it chirped. My parents, who were a bit out of date, would not allow me to have a phone that had access to the Internet. The only phone they would buy me was the old fashioned kind that let me text and talk. So tweeting, real tweeting, was definitely out.

The chirp, which was to warn me that I had received a text, had distracted me at a very important moment. One of the most important moments of my life. I was just about the make the big climb, the climb I had spent an entire week preparing myself for, the climb that would define my future.

What do you think?